Appetite for Deconstruction

Pearls of Wisdom: Vegas Edition

Greetings! Just got back from a few days in Vegas, the adult DisneyWorld. Rather than do a recap of the trip, I’d like to pass on ten pearls of wisdom based on this most recent experience. 

1. Hey, Holly Madison: Those six people you ran past so they wouldn’t pester you for autographs or photo ops? They were just waiting to use the bathroom. Really. If your tits aren’t out, no one’s looking to crowd you, honey.
2. Please don’t wear sunglasses at the poker table. You look like a schmuck.
3. Speaking of which, don’t wear sunglasses backwards on your head – you look like a retarded Cousin It. Asian Guys: I’m talking to you.
4. If you pay $30 to see a burlesque show, don’t get your expectations up too high. Expect the Hee Haw of strip shows. Trust me on this.
5. Hey, Group of Guys Who Are Here for Bachelor Party/Fantasy Football Draft and are all attending said burlesque show together. Dudes, do what everyone else does and go get lap dances at a strip club. An all-guy group outing to a $30 burlesque show just makes you look cheap and/or creepy.
6. Hey, Old Guy at the End of the Table: yeah, you… the one who keeps pretending he can’t see the cards or doesn’t know when it’s his turn to bet. We know you’ve got the nuts. You’re not fooling anybody. You need to mix in some new material.
7. When your wife and her best friend text you the following: “We are on our 5th round of drinks. Watching bikinis. Craps is next. ThEn black jack,” do yourself a favor: get up from the poker table and find them or else you WILL be down at least $200 in a matter of minutes. Trust me on this.
8. …DON’T let your wife’s best friend’s husband go find them instead. There’s a chance you may soon get another text – this time, a photo of the three of them in bed together. Sure, it was most likely a joke, but still… do you want to take that chance?
9. If you can’t find enough sports to bet on, don’t get crazy and bet on off-the-wall crap like women’s cage fighting. I don’t care what kind of odds you’re getting – you probably don’t know what you’re doing.
10. …but if you just can’t help yourself, do yourself a favor and don’t bet on the smoking hot chick over the hardcore Brazilian lesbian named “Cyborg.” (sigh) Trust me on this…

  

In my defense, I was REALLY drunk 

Music Review: Depeche Mode at the Hollywood Bowl

After Vegas, my wife and two friends ventured down to the Hollywood Bowl to see Depeche Mode in concert. My wife is pretty much the biggest DM fan that ever lived, and this marked her NINTH concert (that she remembers… but I suspect there’s at least one or two that have slipped past her usually…um…rock solid memory…). The sad thing is that this was the third time I saw the group in concert, which ties me for a career high of most times seeing the same band in concert (with the Police). God, that’s depressing. 

This was a contest of who was trying to recapture their lost youth more – the fans or the band. Ultimately, I felt sadder for the band… first of all, because it looked downright painful for them to be out on that stage. And second, because both frontman Dave Gahan and his sidekick Martin Gore looked like they’re near death. 

It’s funny – if you didn’t know the band and had to guess how old they were, you’d easily say their 60s. We had them pegged for at least 50 (though after researching it, turns out neither of them is). Gahan’s much-publicized heroin addiction (he’s a recovering addict, so they tell me) has put him through the ringer. Compare him to Paul David Hewson (you may know him by another name – Bono). Bono is actually two years older and looks like – well, like the international rock god that he is. Gahan looks like my grandmother right before she died. I hate to use that comparison, in deference to my grandmother, but that’s all I could think of as I watched the old man wheeze and sputter around the stage. 

The thing is, the crowd didn’t care. Much like people only saw the young and relatively innocent “Thriller” Michael Jackson after he died, the Modiacs saw nothing but “101” Dave Gahan circa 1988… all happy and peppy and bursting with opium. It was only after the concert (perhaps when their respective contact highs had subsided) that they were able to provide the realization that “this was definitely not the best concert I’ve seen them play.” I know, not exactly the type of deconstruction we advocate here, but you gotta start somewhere. 

So, how was the concert? Honestly, it was hard to tell. Depeche Mode fans tend to scream a lot – and throughout the entire song. This strikes me as incredibly odd… it’s as if they’re trying to drown out the music. And that’s never a good sign. All in all, for a band that actually does have some enjoyable music – including some upbeat, fun stuff to hear with a packed stadium of willing participants – it was disappointing to hear them go with mostly darker material (the assumption being that these were easier for Gahan – who was put on vocal rest last week by his doctor and almost missed this performance – to manage). 

Final verdict: I’ll leave it to our site’s resident Depeche Mode expert to have the final word here, but as for me, I say it’s time to hang it up boys. To quote Belloq in Raiders of the Lost Ark: “Please… sit down before you fall down.” C-  

Land of the LOST

Yeah, you didn’t think I was just going to stop, did you? No new morsel of information is insignificant enough for me. Case in point: this week, it was leaked that the first episode of the final season will be titled “LA X.” Please note the use of the space between the LA and the X… 

I know, I know… your mind is blown. 

So what does this mean? Well, I think we have to assume multiple meanings. First, as I wrote in the August 2 Under Further Review: 

All three seem to point to the fact that what Jack et al had been trying to achieve – set off the bomb so that the Oceanic crash never happened – actually worked. That also seems to be confirmed by the Oceanic airline commercial, which cites a perfect safety record in its 30 years of operation (the commercial takes place in 2007, 3 years after the crash timeline). 

The title seems to confirm this – teasing that Oceanic 815 did indeed arrive at its final destination (which, of course, was Los Angeles International Airport… or “LAX”). 

But what else? Why the space? Well, Entertainment Weekly’s Jeff Jensen theorized that since the X means 10 in Roman numerals, maybe we’re too assume that action will take place in 2010 (which, of course, is when the show will air again… and about six years after 815 had crashed). That may very well be, but it seems too simple. So what else? 

Then number ten does seem to make sense. I keep thinking about the “live together, die alone” mantra, and how maybe it’s not a single savior who needs to save us all (as I’ve so often commented on) but a group. Maybe a group of ten? Now, we know that Jacob appeared to eight people (Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Locke, Hurley, Jin, Sun, and Sayid). Could there be two others that the show neglected to show us on purpose? Say, Walt and Aaron? My guess, as I stated on August 2: 

So, where does the show go from here? I’m guessing that like last season, we’re going to start off the island (which sorta sucks, but what’re you gonna do?). The main characters certainly can’t lose all memory of what happened when they were on the island – that would render the first five seasons moot and that would really, really suck. Rather, I think the people that Jacob touched will be able to retain a connectivity with the island and some semblance of memory. Maybe not everything, and maybe it will come clearer to them as they closer to the island. I don’t know. 

Maybe the ten people have to find each other and unite as one (which they certainly couldn’t do before… but have a chance to do again with this “fresh start”). 

Let me know what you think. Lots to think about until Season 6. 

Animated Shorts.

• As I mentioned last week, our sister site, Rotoholics.com, is now live and ready for business. If you’re prepping for the fantasy football season, I urge you to check it out.
• In light of Michael Vick’s recent signing with Philly, I found this one to be particularly amusing (yes, it’s real). Eagles Dog Jersey.
• Scariest…commercial…ever.