Appetite for Deconstruction

Takeout Guy: “Your name?”
The Situation: “Situation.”
Takeout Guy: “The name?”
The Situation: “Yeah, The Situation. Capital S-i-t-u-a-t-i-o-n.”
Takeout Guy: “Whatever, man. What’s the order?”          

If you’re not watching Tosh.0 on Comedy Central (sort of like The Soup, only with internet videos and a funnier, edgier host), you’re missing out. Along with the Jersey Shore (and due to Modern Family reruns), these are the only two funny shows on television right now.          

Oh, and if you don’t think Jersey Shore is a comedy, you’re crazy. It’s laugh-out-loud funny, and is as entertaining as anything on TV (and I’ll take it over the pretentious and painfully boring Mad Men any day).         

Which reminds me…         

I hate when people lament shows like the Jersey Shore for contributing to the dumbing down of America – as if America isn’t a collection of dolts already. Or that it reflects the current generation… as if there’s an army of guidos and guidettes threatening to take over the country and turn us into an idiocracy (don’t get me wrong – there is an army of them out there, but they’re not allowed to leave Brooklyn, Staten Island and/or NJ… they’re sort of like the criminals in Escape from New York. They aren’t getting any further than their parents’ basements or their jobs working weekends at Banana Republic). We’re safe.         

We hear this argument in every generation – be it the free love hippies of the ‘60s or the slackers of Generation X. Face it – our parents were idiots, we were idiots and, yes, your kids are idiots. Try reading them a book tonight instead of letting them go on the computer to surf for porn or whatever it is they do without you knowing… maybe there’s still hope.         

And as for the dumbing down of America, keep telling yourself that it’s the Jersey Shore’s fault while you pretend that Twilight book in your hand is real “literature,” or your educated worldviews are anything more from what you saw on the Daily Show last week, or the ways of your two thousand years-without-an-update religious affiliation still apply in modern society.         

I’m not saying you shouldn’t indulge yourself in those “fine arts” – just stop treading on my guilty pleasures while you drool over your own.         

Speaking of reality shows…

And speaking of reality shows, as great as Jersey Shore is, it still does not reach the top of the all-time reality show list. In my mind, that all time heavyweight champion is still Temptation Island.        

“TI” ran from 2001-2003, and had a wonderfully simple concept: four (unmarried) couples tested their relationship while separated on different sides of a tropical isle, with the men being tempted by a bevy of hot babes and the women doing the same (only with sculpted-abbed dudes). At the end of each episode, the men/women got to see a brief clip of their significant other canoodling or doing body shots or smushing (to steal a Jersey Shore term… which I still don’t know the exact meaning of) or whatever it is they were doing that night. By the end of the show, the couples decided whether to stay together or break up. It was a cheesy, alcohol fueled, wild ride… and it remains the skanky standard by which all other reality shows (yes, even you, Flavor of Love) will be judged.         

Mandy Lauderdale, you are missed.         

Can black people swim?

I am obsessed with urban legends… everything from “can a munchkin suicide be seen in the background during the Wizard of Oz?” to “did Paul McCartney die and get replaced by a doppleganger in the Beatles?” to “why doesn’t a duck’s quack echo?” (By the way… it does).          

One of my great pleasures in life is to dispel as many commonplace urban myths as I possibly can. NO, I don’t believe that GE will donate two pesos to bail out the next Arizona immigrant arrested if I forward your stupid email to ten people or that al-Qaeda terrorists have poisoned one in every packs of Trident White gum. Really, if there’s a national emergency, I’m pretty sure I’ll catch it on CNN. You are officially relieved of your civic duty.          

Anyway, here’s another one for you…          

When I was about 10, my best friend told me that black people couldn’t swim. “Can’t do it – they sink,” he told me.          

Now, despite him not actually knowing any black people, I thought this must be true. After all, he was a year older than I was, and with that year comes an influx of sage wisdom my ten-year old brain could not possible comprehend. So for a about a year, I believed black people couldn’t swim.*          

Uh-oh...

And I don’t mean that socioeconomic factors impeding blacks from access to pools and therefore exposure to swim lessons. I simply thought it was innate (y’know, like Asians not being able to drive).          

*[Actually, I’d like to thank the great Renaldo Nehemiah for dispelling this unfounded theory for me by competing in the 1972 Superstars, including the swimming event. While he didn’t win (although he did win the overall competition), he also didn’t drown. So there you go.]          

Now, this one seems like a no-brainer. And yet…  the recent tragic drowning of six teens in Shreveport, La seemed to stir up debate/moronic claims all over the internet (personally, I blame the Jersey Shore for the dumbing down of America as the main reason people buy into this crap at all).          

So we return to the question is: is it true? Can blacks swim?          

Like any good researcher, I took to the internet to check it out. The first thing that I found was a study commissioned by USA Swimming and the University of Memphis that indicated (depending on which news outlet you read) anywhere between 60-70% of African American children can’t swim – double the amount of white kids.          

Why?          

Well, one blogger I read noted that   

“As their bone density is useful for boxing, it is useless for swimming.”          

Another stated:   

“Their [blacks] Spirometry (Editor’s note: spirometry is a measure of lung function) is lower than whites… Plus, they tend to be fat, weak, and lazy. Blacks suck at swimming because of lower lung spirometry and higher peak bone mass.”          

In all fairness, that last piece of information was contributed by someone calling himself “AntiNigg,” so there may be some issue with validity and/or bias.          

On the slightly more plausible side, other experts attribute this issue to everything from segregation and lack of available swimming opportunities to fear passed down by modern parents to black women not wanting to damage their high-maintenance hairstyles.          

Hmmm, hadn’t thought of that last one… and I’ve seen “Good Hair.”          

The bottom line is, while this one has some merit in that a large portion of African-Americans in this country do not know how to swim for various reasons. It is not, however, because they sink. So you were wrong, Tim. I just wanted you to know.          

Bon voyage, Dr. Laura…

Oh, and I’m taking partial credit for this, given last week’s article…          

“Dr. Laura Ending Her Radio Show to “Regain First Amendment Rights”          

“The reason is I want to regain my First Amendment rights. I want to be able to say what’s on my mind and in my heart and what I think is helpful and useful without somebody getting angry, some special interest group deciding this is the time to silence a voice of dissent and attack affiliates, attack sponsors. I’m sort of done with that.”          

Good riddance, you moron. And to everyone else – you’re welcome.          

And finally…

Coolest… cake… ever.          

Until next time…          

.