Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis
Directed by: Stallone
Remember when we all thought, how cool would it be to get all the 80s action stars together in one movie. That would kick ass! Well, Stallone was the man to bring this idea to the screen and the results…
Um… well…
I don’t even know where to begin… I guess I need some questions answered. Just for starters:
- HOW could Stallone possibly have messed up the basic formula on this movie? I mean, it’s as simple as the ol’ “we need to get the band back together” so they could do “one last job.” But no… Stallone takes on an entire small country because he… likes a girl???
- HOW do you leave out Al Leong (Die Hard, Lethal Weapon) as one of the bad henchmen and Chuck Norris for the good guys? I know Van Damme turned you down… but you can’t have this movie without those two.
- HOW do you not get Miguel Sandoval to play the dictator in an homage to Clear and Present Danger?
- HOW do you not have each of the Big Action Three bring a lieutenant to the big meeting scene (which is horrible, by the way), with Schwarzenegger bringing Jesse the Body Ventura and Bruce Willis bringing Reginald Vel Johnson?
- WHAT happened to the entire CIA subplot???
…but a lot of that stuff is personal preference. I did need to get it off my chest, though.
Maybe they needed a hot tub time machine…
The biggest problem with The Expendables is that it has no fun. I mean, I know I wasn’t crazy about Scott Pilgrim, but at least it had fun. There are no playful winks at ‘80s movies past. No one revels in their roles – maybe some of that is because it’s the worst collection of actors ever assembled for a major motion picture. Seriously, most of these guys make Andie McDowell look like a capable actor.
[Ok, not quite that bad.]
This is one of the reasons I kinda liked the new Predators movie – it was unapologetically overstuffed with cheesy bravado (say what you want about Adrien Brody’s performance, but the guy had fun with it) and knowing references toward its source material (“Kill me! I’m heeeeere!”).
Everyone in The Expendables muddles through, but save for a few moments, it’s an ugly mishmash of bad acting, inexplicable plotlines and beyond-cartoonish violence (guns that cause people to explode on impact, a guy who fights after having a knife buried in his back, etc).
I come in peace… and you go in pieces.
The Expendables is about a team of mercenaries hired by CIA man Wills to take over a corrupt dictator on some fictional South American, cocaine-producing island in the Gulf. Stallone and Statham head down there to scout the job with the help of a local hottie… and of course, because they’re such pros, immediately are identified (maybe it has something to do with Stallone standing wide open in 
naked field about 15 yards from the dictator’s palace) and have to start throwing knives (seriously, where does Statham keep all of them??) into a small army. They flee the island, but not before the girl demands to stay and Stallone & Statham napalm an entire part of the island’s port for no reason other than a healthy “fuck you.”
Stallone tells his crew they need to ditch the job, because the CIA is playing them… only to do an immediate 180 and decide he’s returning because he’s sort of sweet on the girl he met for five minutes (he’s also persuaded by one of the few solid pieces of dialogue – a speech he’s given by his pal, Mickey Rourke, who should’ve been in far more of the movie).
From there, the team strikes down upon the island with great vengeance and furrrrrrious anger those who threaten to destroy (Dexter’s David Zayas) and exploit for profit (Eric Roberts) my brothers… obliterating pretty much every square inch of filmable land. The result: [SOME SPOILERS FOLLOW, IN CASE YOU REALLY CARE]
…the girl Stallone just killed 1,200 people for stays behind, the island is decimated to the point where Boy Scout Troop 159 could take the place over, and Willis’ CIA operatives are most likely lurking around the corner, waiting to liquidate each Expendable for having screwed the Company over (though of course, none of these minor wrinkles are addressed. Nice work, Sly).
[END SPOILERS]
The Verdict
Was there a touch of cool 80s nostalgia? Of course. Why did I dislike it so much? I blame Stallone, whose script (“Who sent you here?” “Your mother.” “I’m gonna ask you one more time… who sent you here?” “Your hairstylist.”) and directing were abysmal. Maybe if a modern-era writer/director took this on (for all his faults, this had Robert Rodriguez’s name written all over it) it might have worked. Mike’s verdict: D
[Note: now, I’m holding out hope for the aforementioned Mr. Rodriguez’s star-packed (Danny Trejo, Robert DeNiro, Michele Rodriguez, Lindsey Lohan, Jessica Alba, Tim Roth, Steven Seagal, Rose McGowan, Sasha Baren Cohen), B-movie bulletfest… Machete. Don’t let me down, Robert. I need this one.]
But don’t just take my word for it…
The Metacritic score was 45 out of 100 (“Mixed or average reviews”)
Rated R for strong action and bloody violence throughout, and for some language.
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