Appetite for Deconstruction

Only one person’s death has ever really affected me emotionally. There is cause for this beyond my robot-like dead heart. The only family I’ve ever had die were grandparents who were sick and miserable at the end. Let’s face it… they had it coming. It was more a sense of relief that they wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. I laughed aloud when I heard a tearful waitress announce the death of Princess Di. Puh-lease. Put that slamhound in the ground already and get over yourself. No, the only death that actually got to me was Gene Siskel.

It was way back in 1999. I was still living at home. My future wife was sleeping at our house. It was Sunday night, and like all Sunday nights since as far back as I can remember I was staying up to watch Siskel and Ebert. This was pre-DVR but post-VCRs-programmable-by-those-without-an- engineering-degree. So I used to fight sleep (I am an unapologetic morning person – midnight is late for me) each Sunday so I could watch. This was tough because I had to suffer through ‘George Michael Sports Machine’, one of those horrible sub-Sportscenter recap shows ubiquitous back in those days, which always aired right before. Most nights I would make it, but some I would not.

I made it that night. But it was a rerun, which was weird. They never ran reruns. A banner at the bottom of the screen ran which read that Gene Siskel died that day due to complications from his brain tumor. I was profoundly sad. I skulked my way into bed with my then girlfriend for comfort. Well, today I am having that same feeling. This weekend (1:30AM Saturday night on my affliliate) is the last airing of At the Movies – the once mighty cultural icon cancelled due to low ratings.

Finally, Mankind finds a use for the annoying opposable thumb

At the Movies started out as Sneak Previews in the mid 70s, a local Chicago show. Success led to national syndication in the late 70s and in the early 80s, they created the famous Thumbs system. At that time, the show, now titled ‘At the Movies,’ was the highest rated show in PBS history, and the boys entered the national consciousness. They appeared on Saturday Night Live, and every movie in the world wanted ‘Two Thumbs Up’ in its marketing campaign. They were a cultural touchstone, and were pretty much what everyone thought of when they heard the term film critic.

Now, considered apart, Ebert was nothing but a fat tub of self-righteous goo, and Siskel an emasculated (he would have needed regular testosterone injections to graduate to mild-mannered) tweed-wearing geek. But together they had a combustible chemistry that was unmistakeable and impossible to fake. And though they both had questionable taste (Ebert’s downright rotten), in my opinion, they were both gifted critics in that they gave you a definite sense of what it was like to watch any particular movie, and I could usually tell whether I was interested regardless of their opinion.

Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods

Actually, part of the fun was hating them. I mean, I hate Roger Ebert. He is a blowhard of the highest order and has some annoying and retarded opinions. He opposed the switch to digital projection because he has some pseudo-scientific belief in the hypnotizing effect of analog. He has made absurd statements like “Video Games can never be art”. And,well, he’s just kind of a moron.

In the mid-2000s, they did a viewer mail segment in which a someone thoughtfully brought up the fact that great storytelling and characters had gone to TV. It was clear that the guy meant stuff like The Wire and The Sopranos, an unassailable argument in that glorious TV golden age. But Ebert responded by reviewing some TV movies (from the likes of TNT and USA) and then declaring cinema still king. It was truly and absolutley tone-deaf and retarded.

He also does not understand or identify with my generation – GenX. He doesn’t like David Lynch (Blue Velvet got 1 star, and he even gave a thumbs down to The Elephant Man) or Stanley Kubrick (thumbs down to Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket) movies, and is not even able to tolerate whimsical hipster filmmakers like Sam Raimi or Jean-Pierre Jeunut or The Coen Brothers (thumbs down Raising Arizona and O Brother Where Art Thou). He gave thumbs down to iconic films like Resevoir Dogs only to backpedal and love Pulp Fiction. He gave thumbs down to Caddyshack, Fast Times at Ridgemont High and My Cousin Vinny but loved Cop and a Half (with Burt Reynolds) and Paul Blart:Mall Cop – I think it’s safe to say his sense of humor is a little dated. He also gave thumbs down to Die Hard but love Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Hated The Untouchables but loved The Adventures of Rocky and Bulwinkle. You get the point.

Filling the Chair

Which is why when Siskel died, the show could remain. Even though I vastly preferred Siskel, Ebert was the real driver of the action. It is very easy to argue with a tasteless moron. You could stick Bob Ross in that opposing seat and after ten minutes he’s be jumping down Ebert’s throat. This is why the show still had massive success when guest hosts and then permanent co-host Richard Roeper filled in. It was still combustible because Ebert was still a silly moron.

Richard Roeper was a solid co-host as well, appropriately condescending and irrational. But he was maybe half the critic that Ebert was. He was never as good at putting you in the theater when he reviewed films. You often had no sense of what the film was like after he reviewed it. “The acting was great, blah blah… The plot was bad blah blah…” His discourse didn’t reach too far beyond that. But he was very funny and likable, and Ebert could fill in the details, so it still worked. The ratings continued to be very strong and the show continued like that for another eight years until Ebert starting having health problems.  That was the beginning of the end.

Ratings started to decline as Roeper had a rotating set of guest hosts. They started mixing in celebrities. It reached a nadir when Mario Van Peebles took the second chair for a week. Roeper eventually wisely left, complaining that the producers (Disney) were taking the show in a different direction. That’s when the shit hit the fan.

Duh, I like Movies, duhhh

They took it in a different direction alright. Straight to Moronic Suckville. In a classic case of how-do-these-people-possibly-have-this-job misunderstanding of their core audience, they decided to shoot for the ever-elusive and always coveted younger demographic. Did they really think horny teens and goober Nascar fans would ever watch this show? Could anyone be so stupidly optimistic? I can only imagine the production meetings.

“Let’s dismantle that iconic balcony set. It’s just too old and stuffy. I have a hipper idea for a set – lavendar walls, two chairs and a TV in the middle! And that’s not all. We need somebody who our new audience can relate to. You know, a 25 year old who knows nothing about movies, has never published a written review ever, and is completely ignorant about movie history.I have the perfect guy. His name is Ben Lyons. Last year, he declared I Am Legend “one of the greatest movies ever made.” The kids love Will Smith, you know. This is great. He’s also the host of one of those slime shows on Nickelodion – My Family’s Got Guts. And he does celebrity interviews on E!, so he’ll never give a negative review for fear of potentially pissing celebrities off. He’ll be so positive. This is going to be so – what’s that word my son uses – oh yeah, rad.”

Predictably, ratings plummeted. Even I stopped watching. I’m sure there will be tons of reports written this weekend about how the internet killed the show. With literally thousands of fanboys on the internet giving instant feedback on movies, and trailers accessible to anyone who can type youtube, it seems that the utility of the show had evaporated. This is bullshit. Fanboy soundbites and trailers that both give away the movie and tell you nothing about it at the same time will never replace smart discussion and analysis. And there is still an audience for that. Dumb-ass Disney executives killed the show. Ben Lyons killed the show.

Disney came to their senses and replaced Lyons and his co-host with AO Scott, the NY Times critic, and Michael Phillips, the Chicago Tribune (Siskel’s old paper) critic. The show was much improved. But even though Phillips was kind of a snide and smug dick, he wasn’t enough of one to generate informative and entertaining arguments like the Ebert era. And the audience was already destroyed. It was over.

So next week, instead of seeing a couple of smart guys talk seriously about movies, we will see “On the Red Carpet,” a syndicated celebrity news show, co-hosted by a former Miss USA. God bless this great nation.