Appetite for Deconstruction

Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O’Connell, Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames

Director: Alexandre Aja

If you’ve been lamenting the shortage of schlocky, 70s-esque Jaws rip-off featuring two prehistoric mutant piranha fighting over a porn director’s severed penis in the once-tranquil ocean deep, have I got a movie for you!

Viva Piranha!!!

You may not believe this, but I REALLY liked this movie.

Thanks to director Alexandre Aja (director of the overlooked and underappreciated The Hills Have Eyes remake), future B-movies now have a new hurdle to clear if they want to be deemed “over the top.”

Consider some of these quotes from national reviews:

“Hands down and body parts floating, the most irresistibly sick movie in years is Piranha 3D, which should be retitled Piranha 3D, Double-D and C for all the topless cuties director Alexandre Aja feeds the fish and audience.”

“Remember the film you hoped ‘Snakes On A Plane’ would be – this is it!”

Hooked yet?

Mmmmm… evisceration…

Okay, here’s the part where I say that – obviously – Piranha is not everyone’s cup of blood-streaked lake water. It is wildly overstuffed with gratuitous (and extended) boobie shots, bad acting, endless rip-offs of Jaws (I told you little ones not to take the boat out…) and enough spurting blood to make Tarantino blush.

However, for people who like this type of movie (and even some who don’t), you’re going to be pleasantly surprised. It’s just a crazy, sick fun ride – from the opening cameo of Richard Dreyfuss, reprising his role of Jaws’ Matt Hooper, to the endless string of creatively gross deaths (e.g., the topless chick who gets cut in half is particularly funny tragic) to the scene-chewing hamminess of the great B-cast (Back to the Future’s Christopher Lloyd as the kooky fish expert, Jerry O’Connell as the Joe Francis-esque porn director, Elizabeth Shue as the town sheriff, etc) to the, um, interesting use of 3-D effects (the lesbian underwater ballet must have Jimmy Cameron slapping his forehead, V-8 style).

[Note: And while I actually wish the movie had resisted the 3-D urge (since it does nothing but give me a headache), at least it’s done so old school that you’d think you were back wearing those red and blue cardboard thingees instead of those annoyingly oversized Terminator shades they give you now.]

The Plot

Does it matter? Did you not hear what I said about boobies???

Fine.

Here’s a summary straight from The Weinstein Company:

Every year the population of sleepy Lake Victoria explodes from 5,000 to 50,000 for Spring Break, a riot of sun and drunken fun. But this year, there’s something more to worry about than hangovers and complaints from local old timers; a new type of terror is about to be cut loose on Lake Victoria. After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area’s new razor-toothed residents.

Verdict

There’s no two ways about it – this movie is absolute trash.

Glorious, fun, sick trash.

And I loved every eyeball-plucking, leg-chomping, cheesy-bad moment of this 70s B-movie homage. See this and tell the Expendables to go fuck themselves. Mike’s verdict: B

But don’t just take my word for it…

The Metacritic score was 53 out of 100… which despite not being all that great, is probably the biggest surprise of any movie this year.

Rated R for “sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore*, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use.”

[Seriously – beware if you’re gore-averse, because this movie will bite through your insides, climb up your throat and blast out of your mouth… trust me.]

.